well, looks like we found a house. I of course am not going to count on it until we are actually in the house, contract signed and everything. its an aweseome place, now I am just stressed about coming up with the money to move in. it is going to cost me more than I thought it would, 2 months rent security deposit plus first month. I am going to end up paying in dollars, which I think will work out in the end. she has an american account I can transfer the funds into if I understand correctly, which will save me money in the end with conversion fees and such. plus I won’t have to pay the international transfer fee either.

so, now I am waiting for my paycheck. it is going to be less because I missed time and thought I would be able to access my PTO but no, not yet. I am hoping I can apply for it retroactively. I need to go get some short term loans, which I hate to do because it screws us for the next paycheck. but hopefully it is going to all work out and we will be in the house shortly. then we need to get everything set up, and S.O. start earning some money. the plan is for me to pay the rent in dollars and him to pay the rest of the bills in pesos. Now we need to make a budget and stick to it. I have to pay a bunch of money to my son’s school too and I am not sure where I am going to come up with that either. I think I will have to take on some extra work at least for a little while.  I don’t want to, because it is really hard on me. but I am thinking maybe I will have to for a bit. I am frustrated that I have not been able to put anything away in savings yet, but I am hoping it will get better. we will see.

i am so frustrated. so ready to scream. feeling so restrained. I am so tried of living like this. like nothing is in my control, everyone else telling me what to do, when to do, where to go, how to live. I am SICK of it. I have all the responsibility and none of the fun. no help, no support, no love, nothing. nothing but complaints all the time and making my life more difficult than it needs to be. I can’t take it anymore and am going to explode. and if I get blown off or called a drama queen or otherwise belittled and ignored anymore, I am going to lose it. absolutely lose it. I hate my life right now with my very soul and just cannot take it anymore.

ugh. I am so stressed out. I need to find a new house. desperately. thought I found one, thought it would work. not perfect, but cute. like the outside area a lot. but S.O. thinks it is too small. he wants two floors. I don’t care about that, frankly will be happy not to have to deal with stairs and furniture up them etc. plus easier to clean. our problem is we want different things. he wants multiple rooms and massive space. the real problem is he decided on this house a long time ago, didn’t look at anything else, wanted that one. it was a very good deal. problem was the owner didn’t want to rent to us, and found problem after problem until renting it to someone else. or at least so she says. I liked it, it was a good deal, but MASSIVE. I wanted more outside space but was willing to comprimise. but oh well, it didn’t happen, after working on it for weeks and weeks.

so, now we are back to the drawing board, and not finding houses to rent. its very hard, and they are all more expensive than I wanted to pay. I am willing to do that though if we can find something. of course, I have to figure out a way to come up with all the money to get in, which will be challenging in and of itself.so maybe the delay is good, it lets me accumulate some more money. but I have too much to pay for all at once. got our new visas, which cost way more than I was hoping to spend. spent about 600 dollars. I am telling myself its ok, that the fine was worth it because at least I have them now and no problems with coming or going or having to miss work because I don’t have my visa.

I should be able to access my PTO time for this past weekend, theoretically. I am hoping it is not contigent on completing my 90 day evaluation, like my bonus is. I need the PTO so I don’t miss any paycheck stuff from staying home this weekend. I need to do my 90 day evaluation, which i don’t want to do. it makes me nervous, and I am concerned because I missed time this weekend unfortunately. I originally had planned for the bonus installments to go into the bank, but it doesn’t look like that will happen. the last one paid for jake’s school, and this one will have to go to that and moving. its unfortunate but a huge amount of it gets sucked up in taxes right away. almost a whole installment between two of them gets taken in taxes. I am nervous about filing my taxes next year, as I have not for the past couple of years because I had no income. we will see what happens though. from the little bit of research I just did, I should be ok with my taxes. I was concerned because I don’t know how that works now with me living here and working in the US on the weekends.

so, in the meantime, everything needs paid at once, there is not enough money, and we need to find a house immediately. hopefully we will be looking at a couple of houses this morning. I keep telling myself it will work out and we will find one soon, this week. and then we can get packed and moved right away. I don’t want to be stuck here in this current house for another year. not with outrageous electric bills, crappy internet and not enough room. but i am keeping my fingers crossed for now and we will see.

can’t believe I have been living in Monterrey for one year now. O_O it is unreal. so much has changed, yet so much has stayed the same. I am looking for a new house to live in. the one we thought we were going to rent fell through. to be honest, I am not super surprised. I was having a hard time believing we were going to get it. especially as it got more and more difficult to try and get in. so, back to the drawing board with that. at least now we have all the papers we need to rent. I am staying home from work this weekend to hopefully find a house. I just want it settled and done. I found one I am very interested in, and will hopefully go and look at it tomorrow.

still am having some issues with my relationship. but I think that is always that way. there is always something. This something is a big something, and I still don’t know what has to happen in order for it to be better. I hope it gets better soon. I don’t know what else to do.

Got my visas today. had to spend a lot more money than I had anticipated because I was late in getting them done. didn’t understand the process but at least it is taken care of. so, one more thing done, now just to find a house and pack everything to move. I hate moving, but it really is necessary for us to be in a bigger place with better internet. I need for the S.O. to start making money, and we need to be in a better location for that. so lets hope that works out for this weekend and I will have one less thing to worry about.

Its been a while since I posted anything. about 3 months. lots has been happening. I have started working as a nurse again. I am a house supervisor working in Laredo right now, on the weekends. I think it will work out in the end, with the schedule once I am only working my regular stuff and not overtime. its nice to be a nurse again, and nice to have benefits again. the job sort of sucks. I guess its a good job, but it is very hard for me adjusting to this place. its not like anyplace I have ever worked before. like a combination of Mexico and the US. definitely challenging.

I have had some run ins so far with some of the staff. one manager in particular hates me with all her soul, I think because I am forcing her to do her job. she doesn’t like that for sure. I have been stuck working some nights lately, and I am just not a night person anymore. it also is hard with the extra driving.  because I had to work back to back night shifts, I ended up staying in Laredo for a total of 11 days. it was pointless to try and drive back in between, to only be home for 2 days.  I missed my home and family immensely. it was really hard on all of us. and very difficult without me at home to help manage things.  s.o. spent an insane amount of money on things because he wont cook. we have to come up with a better plan for that. things should be better now though, with me on my regular schedule. not having to work nights anymore, or overtime. it will make things easier with my schedule, and I won’t lose so much driving time with working nights and having to sleep first before driving.

my dog had puppies the day I left. they are so cute! I was really happy that she had them while I was still here. it would have completely sucked if I missed all that and came home to 12 day old puppies that I didn’t get to meet first or anything. they look like little hamsters! super super cute. Loli is a very good mom, and is taking excellent care of them. they should have their eyes completely open soon. we are looking for a new house, found one that is perfect but I despair of the contract ever being written. I have a feeling we will either end up having to move at the very last minute, or be stuck in this place for another year. I hope not, but we will see. I will save the rest for another post, reflecting on being here for a year now. lots of changes right now, but I think they are for the best.

ok…. so I started calling it the zombie pig flu from the start, because people are acting like they expect zombie pigs to be roaming the street infecting everyone and creating more zombie pig human hybrid things. its just ridiculous the amount of fear and paranoia everywhere. it just keeps escalating and escalating. our schools have been closed for two weeks now, though the older kids they let go back yesterday. my son will start school on Monday in theory. I will go back to teaching then as well.

so we had a teachers meeting today, sort of a pre-return to school thing. all kinds of new regulations are coming down the pike, as flu cases are confirmed. apparently we got the results back in the city I live in, and there are 35 confirmed cases of swine flu. of course, this out of over 6 million people is not very much. but it is enough to cause quite a panic. So they are requiring all students and teachers to wear masks to school, bring tissues and antibacterial hand stuff. we have forms to fill out for each child each day to check for illness, and may or may not be allowed to run the AC. there is conflicting information about that. of course, i will die if we can’t run the AC, not to mention the kids are going to be absolutely out of control. upstairs in my school is very very hot, as well as in the trailers. there are no fans, and right now is 40 degrees C each day. with 75 percent humidity. thats about 104 degrees F. i can’t imagine wearing stupid masks that do NOTHING, stuck in a hot room like that, with no AC and no fans trying to teach a class. Not to mention my kids are not going to understand anything I am saying with a mask on my face. I teach English as a second language, and the kids need to see my face and read my lips to truly understand me.

also, all activities have been canceled, including all graduations and celebrations. I am not too unhappy about that though. will save me some serious money and time for sure. though I am not convinced they will not turn around and cancel school for the rest of the year. it will probably happen. I don’t mind not going back to work for the rest of the year, especially if I managed to get paid for it anyways. i detest the school and all the drama that goes on there. my son’s finals have been canceled, but i have to write exams for my kids, because we go longer in the year then him. I am keeping my fingers crossed things will be easy from this point out though. i am just going to coast along and see. and not be freaking out waiting for the zombie pigs to swarm the neighborhood.

How do you know when he is cheating? how can you tell? do you go by instinct? or suspicion? or are there clear signs? how do you believe the denials if you feel like the trust is gone, and things are being hidden? how can I possibly deal with the very real possibility that he is cheating on me? that chances are, he has someone else? that I am just being used for other things? how can I face that betrayal?

I want to believe him…I really really do. but its too much. its just too much. too many things, too many “coincidences” , too many secrets and lies. and every time I find something new that is suspicious, that demonstrates a lie, or hiding something, or is just not right…my stomach drops. I feel it, I want to scream and cry and kick and run. and I don’t know if I am being paranoid, just looking for trouble or what. I know what is at the core of my issue. and that is a very real problem. no matter what he says. but I don’t know how to get that sense of rightness back. the sense of security and hope and everything else that I once had back. and i am so afraid its gone forever. and I don’t know which is worse, truly. to suspect, or to know for certain. all I know is I am constitutionally incapable of NOT confronting when I find incriminating evidence. I can’t do it. I can’t ignore it or sit quietly or pretend I didn’t find it. so we sit here, right now….me on my computer, he on his, he is watching something with headphones on, knowing that something is wrong, and i am trying to get the courage up to ask the questions that need asked, wondering if I am really ready to live with the answers. wishing and hoping with all my heart that there is a reasonable explanation, but being pissed as hell that there even exists a need for a reasonable explanation. that, and if if it turns out to be who I suspect, then I will kill both of them. in a horrible painful embarrassing way.

went on a new adventure in my “back yard” of  la hausteca ecological park. took a bunch of cool pictures. uploaded them to my flickr page, you can see them there. I was very glad that I did that. I went out, took pictures, drove around for a while.  then went shopping, and went to the movies, all by myself. it felt really good to get out of the house. I needed that desperately. Things are not going as I would like them to, not by a long shot. I am struggling constantly to just get basic things done. I feel like I have zero support, and lots of extra work. I am so frustrated with it all, that I just want to run away. its horrible. I hate feeling so stuck. I really don’t know what I am going to do next. I must find a way to get some income coming in, or we will be totally screwed. I don’t regret coming here, not yet at least. I just wish I could get everyone else to understand the sense of urgency I feel. how important it is to stop wasting time. that we are gonna turn around and find ourselves with NOTHING if we don’t act soon. but I seem to be the only one who sees that, or at least who gives a crap, or is not paralyzed with fear over it. I don’t know. I guess as usual, I am stuck having to make some really difficult crappy decisions. and not liking my options too much. but at this point it has to be done.

but at least I got to enjoy some prettiness here for a while. take a look at my flickr page, I still find it amazing that all this natural beauty and wonder is right in the midst of a city of over 6 million people. thinchs is just 3 pics out of a whole bunc.h

What is it about the date changing that inspires all this thought and ¨resolutions¨? If we were not going to do it on Dec. 31st, what makes us think we will do it on Jan 1? or is it about cleaning house, metaphorically? do we just get so sick of all the mess that we decide it must go? that we must organize our lives? I want to do this, to organize my life and clean house so to speak. I am not sure if I have the willpower to do it though. I realize that things must change. MUST. it can’t continue like this. I need to talk with my Spanish instructor about having consistent lessons, or I will have to find a new teacher. I need to do it at least once a week if not twice a week, if I am going to have any hope of learning anything. I need to make a personal commitment to work on it daily. to take a couple of hours a day, even split during the day and work on it. I must find a way to sell all these things I bought. the S.O. designed a website, but it is not updated nor getting any advertising. We need to either list stuff on the ebay version here, or put out some advertising or something because this crap has been sitting in my house now for 2 months. we completely missed the Christmas season (pretty pissed about that) all because I can’t get things done. So, if he won’t do it for me, then I need to figure out how to do it myself.

I need to have the couch upstairs cleaned. super cleaned. and the whole house. I need to talk to the furniture people about the broken couch downstairs. we need to find a place for the business, or sell this stuff. its too much. it takes up space, it cost lots of money, and it is a total waste right now. I have like 10K of inventory I am sitting on, doing NOTHING. its enough. the business has been essentially closed down now for more than 6 months. something needs to be done with it, or it needs to just go. this sitting in limbo land is not ok anymore. I must pay the bills, lots of them. Rent, utilities, my son’s school. it all is due now.

I need to gain more independence here. which just translates into language skills. I have learned to drive around most of Monterrey, can find my way most places. I am doing more, going to more places on my own. but to call people on the phone, or have to ask questions, is very difficult for me. the language stuff overwhelms me. so I think the Espanol must become my number one priority. The truth of the matter, if I am honest, is I cannot count on the S.O. for really anything. he has this need to do the opposite of what I ask, what I want. I don’t know if it is a power thing, or he just thinks it is funny, or what. that he will do it eventually but forgets, I don’t know. but I can’t take it anymore. it is driving me over the edge. nothing gets done, NOTHING. and I can’t live like this anymore. it makes me ask too many questions of myself- why am I doing this? why am I living like this? is it too much to ask to have some give and take? to have a partner that actually helps me and meets my needs? or one that makes demands and is moody and won’t get anything actually done? we have zero romance, minimal true communication, and no help. so I end up asking myself, if I am gonna have to do it all myself anyways, why not make it easier on me? I have tried and tried and tried to talk to him about it, but he won’t talk. blows me off, deflects, ignores. what he doesn’t realize is I am quickly reaching the done point. I will try and try and try for a certain amount of time, but I get to a point where I am DONE. that I can’t take it anymore, that if I am not going to get even minimal cooperation, minimal love and affection, minimal ANYTHING that I will say screw it. who knows, maybe that is what he wants. maybe he wants out but doesn’t know how to say it, and this is just his way of letting me know. I have offered him that, told him he owes me nothing, that we can sell the business stuff and he can go to school and never deal with me again, or whatever he wants. that I will wish him well and he can go. he just laughs and tells me I am a drama queen and ignores me.

So, the new year. it is here, and I need to make decisions. I find myself saying the serenity prayer a lot these days, trying so hard to navigate my way through all the stress and mess. to try and decide if I can live with the consequences of my actions, if I have the courage to make these decisions. I wish I knew what the answers were, what the right thing was to do. all I know is I need some change, and I need it now.

well…all that personal angst and drama yesterday. wow. and all of my own creating. that is the funny thing about being on the gerbil wheel. you can know you are there, be fully aware that you are spinning yourself out of control, yet continue to run like a rodent. I left last night and went driving, having convinced myself of several bad things. had this whole visual scenario in my head that I couldn’t shake, that was not real at all. did impress myself at least that I managed to find my way without the GPS all over town. I had been expecting bad traffic but the roads were virtually empty last night. I eventually got in touch with the S.O. I beat him home only by moments. he was very very tired by then, but seemed a bit better.  I gave him a little small present at midnight and he seemed genuinely touched. I gave him a giant hershey’s kiss  and a new song. Wrote out the lyrics for him so he would have them, along with a little note, and sang it for him. it seemed to make him happy.  we ate a little bit and went to sleep early for us.

one of my dogs made a break for it this morning. took off on an adventure in the neighborhood. but I was able to retrieve her. the S.O. seemed actually concerned, which was good. he is very over her at the moment and her issues. she has massive fear aggression issues and has been out of control. (long story, dealing with it) woke up to my son on the couch, thought he had ended up there because he wet his bed again, didn’t make him get up and go to the bathroom but later realized I should have. when I got up later, he was back in his bed, having SOAKED the couch. which is now ruined.  I asked him about it, apparently he decided to get up and go to the couch last night because “I just COULDN’T sleep in my bed mom, I just couldn’t”. I have told him and told him and told him about sleeping on the couch, since the last one I had got ruined by him and his pee issues. I am so done with it. he is 14 years old and still pisses the bed every night. he has never achieved night time dryness in his whole life.  this summer it got better and he had more dry nights, even going a week or two without accidents. but since we have been here every night he wets. he might have had 1 dry night, after going to bed at 3am. I told him that was it, he was going to a doctor. his last doctor kept telling me he would grow out of it, but OMG i can’t deal with it anymore. the pee has gotten exponentially larger as he has grown. he is now bigger than me, and pees astronomical amounts. he also drinks I think entirely too much, so I am wondering if he is diabetic now. ugh.

so, as soon as possible, he is going to a doctor. something has to be done, I can’t live like this anymore, he can’t live like this anymore..all the freaking pee, always his room reeking, mattresses always ending up ruined. its ridiculous.