And it rolls on

the S.O. called me. see, we have the coolest car ever. it is one of the original Nintendo pikachu cars. these are yellow vw bugs, that were made into pikachu. well, poor pika lost her tail and ears and part of her smile, along with some decals, before we found her. I got her on ebay for a song, with hardly any miles and the right age to make her a Mexican car. Unfortunately we had to gut her more to carry all the crap to Mexico we did in her, so she lost her TV hookup out of the back. she was a show model that went around to malls and anime conventions and stuff like that as a promotion. it was very exciting to get her. my only regret now is not photocopying the title before having to turn that in, since it was still the nintendo corp title. but oh well.

so he called me, because she is basically gonna do the Mexican version of “Pimp my Ride” XD its very exciting. she is getting her ears and tail and everything back. with the addition of neon white lights on the bottom. and I am pushing for a horn modification that lets it go “pika pika” and of course an alarm that goes “piiiiiiiiikkkkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaachuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!” with the flashing white lights at the bottom. I think it will make people back up. and of course make me laugh so hard I pee myself, but that’s just the side bonus. the amazing thing, is EVERYTHING will cost us less that 1000 bucks. labor, parts, everything. its wonderful. I am so excited. And I still have the tv stuff, so when I get there we can restore that too. He had hopped online to tell me the details, discuss the money bit and we decided the final yes do it. that was many many many hours ago. He was supposed to go give them a deposit, and then come talk to me again. I told him we needed to have a serious conversation. I was hoping to catch him in a good mood coming from this, so we could discuss some serious matters. I want him to go look at the house I found, as I have not seen his mom in 2 days, so I can’t ask her, and he knows all my stuff so he can judge it for me better than anyone else there. but…I am still waiting. *sigh*

I am trying to not feel like he only got online for that one thing, and once he got it then I am being blown off. he was better last night. I think he felt how much he screwed up, and how I was not a happy person. He has that special gift..I get pushed like RIGHT to the edge..and then he does the right thing. I don’t know why he does that ROTFL. and now its very late, even if he did get online, its probably not such a good time for serious conversations. so in the meantime, I have been amusing myself with photoshop playing around with making a logo for my cookie business and thinking of names for it and overall just letting my imagination soar. that keeps me pretty busy and happy. n_n I am trying to stay in the state of “it will happen”. the cool thing, is I am feeling that, without having to try super hard. like, its easier today to stay positive and proceed with my plans. I know what I want. I am excited to do it. it will happen. I am envisioning it, and it will come to be.

ready, set, ACTION!

ok. well..in keeping with my action theme..I have been taking more action today. I have been in contact a bunch with that cool group I found of people who have moved to Monterrey from here. I got access to their inner sanctum so to speak..and found it to be terribly disorganized. XD they belong to google groups, and omg. trying to navigate and find anything in that hopeless mess..well, its crazy. and its sad, because there is such good information there! So being the OCD person that I am, I emailed the person back, thanked them profusely, and offered to set up a forum for them. it would make all of their lives so much easier, if there was a forum with all the information organized. otherwise, you have to scroll page by page through literally 3000 plus posts. all in a little list, with the most recent on top. no order. stuff going unanswered. repeats. omg. I can’t deal with that kind of insanity. i want it grouped and ordered ROTFL. which is kinda funny considering how much of a mess my house is. you would have no idea to look at the filthy pen I live in, that I am OCD in the slightest. I think its the scientist part of my brain really. I just like my data organized.

So, either they will take me up on it and I will become all involved and crap before I even get there, or she will be terribly offended and I will have to take my toys home and not play anymore. I did notice other things though. I am very different from many of them I think. I want more of a “real” experience there. I am sure there are some that are like me. But I can tell many are simply transplanted there for work, and are just trying to survive until they get to go back. I want to make it my home indefinitely. I don’t want to live in that area. I can’t imagine paying that much for rent HERE..let alone there, where everything else is so much cheaper. I don’t want to have gobs of house staff. I am not even sure how I feel about a maid coming in once a week, though apparently almost everyone has that, including his parents. but I guess we will see what happens. In the meantime, this group could become a good network for a number of things, as well as a way to expand my business and get more contacts. The wheels are already turning in my head on that one. I can foresee a number of good things happening out of it..that is of course if I haven’t managed to already offend the hell out of president ROTFL. but omg..it was just…omg. something must be done about it. you can’t find ANYTHING in that mess.

Today

is 2 years since my last back surgery. whole life changed. I have talked about that in other posts. but in this one, I want to talk about different stuff. I am thinking of lots of things today. Like, I am going through a period of self identification. who I am, where I was, where I am going. I know where I was. I don’t know where I am going. but who I am..

I was born and raised in Alaska, with 1 1/2 years spent in South Dakota on an Indian Reservation. this has shaped me in ways that I continue to discover all the time. I love to read. almost everything. but especially sci-fi fantasy stuff. I have a massive imagination. always have. it has saved me as a kid numerous times. I love musicals. they make me happy. old ones, new ones. love them all. Sometimes I burst into song for no apparent reason. this also makes me happy. I like to drive my dog crazy. the little one. to make funny noises at her and get her riled up. even though I will yell at my kid for the same thing. I totally recognize its a double standard…and I don’t care.

I love video games. I like board games, but I am a sore loser. its why video games that are single player are much better for me. I admit it. I suck at losing. I am too competitive. but its not like i am really competitive with other people..its more of being competitive with myself. I get very frustrated losing at something by myself, but i will just become obsessive and do it over and over and over and over again until I succeed. I love playing cards. poker especially. oddly enough, that is something I got over being a sore loser about. I am pretty good at it, and if I get good cards I can win.

I love road trips. I am counting down until my son is done with school so we can go on a road trip. I want to get away and go somewhere desperately. I wish I was not so limited by my body, or I would travel further and more. I believe that sometimes a good road trip CAN solve problems. I want to travel many many many places. I am starting to think of saying screw it, and just traveling this summer to as many places as I can go.

I love to paint and draw. and sew. and to make things. I think its all part of my need to create. Nothing makes me happier than to take my imagination and create something from it. I feel the most real when I do that. I love to cook and bake. I don’t follow recipes. occasionally I will look at a recipe, but usually differ wildly from it. I use it for things that require some proportions, like baking soda or things like that. But I much prefer to make my own recipes. my cookies have become wildly popular. one of my greatest desires is to become the Famous Amos of Monterrey.

As jaded as I have become in so many ways..I still believe in fairy tales. I believe in happily ever after. I believe in love conqouring all. I believe you can know a person’s heart truly. I believe you can love completely. 2 years ago..I didn’t believe this anymore. 2 years ago, I thought love was the fairy tale, and one for other people. 2 years ago I thought people would only lie to me. would only cheat. would only want me for what they could get from me. That changed, because someone showed me it could be different.

Today, I am not sure exactly who I am. I am the sum of all these things..and so much more. I am the sum of my beliefs, dreams, hopes, desires, wants, experiences, now, then, and what will be. Today, right in this moment, I have no idea of almost anything. I know of what I love…just not exactly sure how to make it all happen. Today requires faith. Something I lost 2 years ago, and didn’t realize just how much it affected me. faith in the world around me, faith that everything will work out exactly how it is supposed to, but most all, faith in myself. Faith that I can do the right thing. That I have not been wrong in these choices. Faith that I will do what needs to be done at the right time. Faith that somehow I will find my path, and have the courage to walk it.

wow

such….odd sleep. a shrink would have a FIELD day with my dreams last night. O___O one of them that stuck out to me last night, was really amazing, in terms of even half asleep I could tell it had meaning.

ok, so in my dream, I was driving in Mexico. trying to drive I should say. and S.O. was next to me, and his sister in the back seat. My problem with driving is I was having such a hard time seeing. there was no rear windshield. I couldn’t see behind me. I had to navigate looking at this little monitor thingy. it was driving me crazy. I was nervous and worried. He kept telling it was ok, but that is just how it is done here. and at one point I almost wrecked the car trying to go through an area because I tried to compensate and realized it was backwards from what I was seeing. The really funny thing is, I realized when I woke up, I also couldn’t see very well forward either. It was like driving in a box. I could see a little bit around the sides, but I really couldn’t see forward. That didn’t bother me for some reason. Just the fact that I couldn’t see “behind” me.

now, surely doesn’t take a shrink to figure THAT one out, huh. ROTFL.

I went to sleep last night thinking of many things. after having long talks with his mother. I am always worried about repeating mistakes. I worry that I am making a huge one again. That I am trying to make him be something he is not, or I am living in a pretend land or something. repeating mistakes from my past. It is that whole intense fear, sometimes just paralyzing, that I am an idiot, a fool, and have been played for one and don’t see it. That my heart will get broken. always checking and rechecking to see if the current situation is really reflective of past mistakes. I hope I can learn from this dream. that I don’t seem to be bothered by not being able to see into the future so well..but constantly worrying about seeing into the past and checking on that is gonna make me wreck this car in a huge way.

I also had a huge intense one about my family, in which my deceased grandfather was in it too..only in it I knew he was deceased. was like a whole ghost thing. I don’t usually dream about him. very strange as well.

Random thought

ok. new random thought. cause..I am just having lots of those today. And I want to see if any of these people hitting the page will post something too.

So…I was watching the news today, and heard that 150 local jobs are being exported to Mexico. now, granted, I have my own biases and what not about these things. but considering the bru-ha-ha over the illegal immigrant stuff, it made me wonder something.

which do people object more to- jobs being exported from here to Mexico..or immigrants coming here to work? I am genuinely curious. last year everyone was screaming about illegal immigrants and how we fix it. and this year everyone is screaming about NAFTA. so I am very curious as to what people think of this topic now. which is worse, which they would rather have?

Action

I have to say…nothing in the world makes me happier or more excited than taking action. I did it. stopped waiting around. And this house that has been calling to me from the newspaper in Mexico for a month..I emailed about it. I took it upon myself and emailed. and she got right back to me! It is totally available, sounds perfect, looks so cute, the right cost and everything. Even one of the problems that is there, is not a problem. They do things differently, when you rent a house, you need to know someone in the city who also owns their property, and they “co-sign” the rental agreement with you. Kind of like having a co-signer on a car loan. It apparently is totally normal there. this is on top of a month’s security deposit. Back when we were looking at putting the business in a house, this was a problem, and I couldn’t seem to get him to ask about them just accepting more money for deposit. So when she said this, I was concerned. But instead I just asked about putting 3-6 months deposit. since the rental contract is for 6 months, I figured giving 6 months deposit is more than fair. should end up being the same thing as getting another person to sign. and she said yes! The great thing, is the cost of the rent there is so much less, that 6 months deposit really is nothing for me. it ends up being less than I month’s worth of my expenses here. So I am very very happy.

His mom is totally supporting me. no matter what. is so cute. She told me she would go and look at it for me. And told me that she talked to his father about Jacob as well, and that it is NO problem. they love us both. And that no matter what happens, I will always have her love and support. I think she is actually more worried that S.O. is going to let me down. that he is not ready to be an adult yet. But he is. she just doesn’t see that yet, because of how they view him. It has been changing..and it will change more, once I am there and they see him being so successful with the business. It also was cute because she assumed we would all 3 be living together. she told me to tell the woman 3 persons renting in the house. I said..er..um..I think is just going to be 2 for now. but we will see.

I am just so excited. it makes me feel like it is the right direction, because the house just fell into my lap. boom. perfectly. I have been watching the house for a month, wanting it, looking at it, wishing I could go see it. I am beginning to think it was just waiting for me. no one else rented it because it was waiting for me to come. n_n it looks beautiful, with a fabulous kitchen it it, just waiting for my cookie empire. It would make me so happy to be in that house. so so so happy. its about the same size as my house now, only 2 stories. has 2 1/2 baths, 3 bedrooms. it looks PERFECT. AC throughout, complete kitchen. hardwood floors..one of the bedrooms already is in my colors. with the hardwood floors I wanted to put in this house! and the downstairs bathroom has the kind of sink I always wanted in my house as well. All together it really just screams me. I am curious about the outside area, how much there is. I can’t wait for someone to go and look at it for me. I hope he will go look as well, with his mother. That would make me happy. we will see.

I also hope he sees this the same way that I do. that it is so fortuitous. that it is falling in my lap, just like everything else for Mexico has. At this point, I would like to fly down there in June and sign the contract, and then come back and move my things. I need to start investigating again, exactly what kind of visa requirements I will need to move my stuff too. I know for me to be there, its easy. but to be there with my things, I am a little more concerned about. but it is very exciting none the less! to finally be taking action! it makes me feel empowered and good. even though I haven’t said for sure to anything yet. just to be taking some action and making forward motion makes me amazingly chipper ROTFL

Figured it out

ok..just in this moment I figured it out. My best friend was very kind and called me to let me know she didn’t want to be a psycho bitch to me and she was sorry, she was not trying to be judgmental or anything. which was very sweet. But as I was talking to her and telling her that I realized its the 2 year anniversary of my surgery, I burst into tears. and what I was crying about was the fact that I have never mourned the loss of my nursing career. The truth of it is, I am not a nurse anymore. I have maintained my license these past 2 years, but I am not a nurse anymore. Yes, I still have LOTS of knowledge. I am still a caring person. i still try and help people. but I am not So and So, RN anymore. and it kills me inside. I worked SO hard to become a nurse. everyone would introduce me as S____, the nurse. I loved it. I loved it in every capacity I worked in it. everything I did as a nurse. all the things I learned. critical care, occupational health, psych, home health, case management. everything. I excelled at it, and I LOVED it. and in an instant, it was taken all away from me.

For the longest time, no one could bear the thought of me not being a nurse anymore. It seemed like it was my calling, who I was..and for me to not do that anymore just seemed a travesty. So we all said it would take time, and maybe going back to school, but there would be some way I could still be a nurse. I could teach nursing. But the truth is..I don’t want to go back to school. I would love to teach nursing, but the way my back is, how am I going to make it through the things I need to, in order to achieve it, let alone teach properly? I know me….I would want to teach clinical nursing. I wouldn’t be able to stand only sitting in a classroom, never actually teaching students hands on work. Never to work with a patient ever again. I would feel like a fraud. and every moment would remind me of what I used to have..and every moment I would be afraid of hurting myself again.

So what do I do? I think its time to let go of the dream. to find a way to mourn the loss. I have been trying to forge ahead, figure out what I am supposed to do and where I am supposed to go..but I have yet to let go of the past. I have yet to let go of the identity that has already left me. It’s just not who I am anymore. I need to accept that, and move on. i think once i accept that, and let go of that as my identity..then I can start to find a new one. but OMG it hurts. and is very scary. to try and let go of everything that I worked for, everything struggled over, everything that drove me for so long. without knowing what is going to replace it. Maybe this is the leap of faith I really need to take. Its not about taking that leap of faith with the S.O. its really about taking that leap with myself. Just letting go and seeing what happens next. of course, that is easier said than done. But all I can do now is try.

It’s official

well, this is apparently the absolutely only place I am free to discuss things anymore. that I can talk about how I feel. Can’t talk to anyone anymore. just end up hurting someone’s feelings, or offending them, or pissing them off or annoying them. No one gets it. no one. my whole identity was being a nurse. now i can’t be a nurse anymore. I haven’t worked for 2 years. now that I think about it, tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of my last surgery, that changed my life forever. It took away so much from me. it put me in constant pain and disability, it took away my ability to make money. it took away who I thought I was.

and yet, it gave me so much. it lead me to a new life in many ways. but that is the problem I think. why I am so upset and frustrated. because that new life is on hold. always on hold. waiting waiting waiting and more freaking WAITING. so I am stuck between two worlds. my old life and my new. in limbo land. can’t return to my old life, no matter what I try. I thought for a while that i was blacklisted..but now it is becoming more clear to me. its because that is my old life. and I am not supposed to be in my old life. any paths I try and take to my old life get cut short. So now, how do I forge ahead? how do I find my path to my new life? how do I navigate it, and figure out where I am supposed to be? no one seems to understand my need for forward motion. that I cannot sit idle doing nothing always. it has been years now of this and I cannot take it anymore. I just CAN’T. and I don’t think this is a bad thing. to be a person who wants to be making a difference, affecting change. to not feel so invisible and unnecessary. my house is a wreck. I try to clean but pain makes me stop. my best friend got very offended with me, because she felt like i was dismissing being a stay at home mom. thats not it at all. she took care of two children and a husband and a house and a myriad of other things, immaculate house, laundry done all the time. total opposite of me. plus being involved with all kinds of other things. her solution is more hobbies for me, or clean out my closet. she doesn’t get it, and the only thing I accomplished by trying to talk about it was to piss her off and get my feelings hurt. to increase my feelings of being all alone.

I don’t want to feel sorry for myself. that is not it. I am tired of that. so many other things going on in the world that are real problems. i just don’t want to feel helpless anymore. its a feeling I cannot abide.

Reflections

Today has been a day of reflections. I had a very bad thing happen last night, that really brought things screeching back into my head. I am not going to go into all the details..but suffice it to say it was bad, scary, freaky, painful, everything…and it brought back painful memories as well.

So I was trying to talk to S.O. about it. but first was telling him something else about a friend of his..and some stark contrasts really became apparent. Not only was I in my first apartment at 17 (because my parents kicked me out of the house, long story, lost the apartment because I had NO clue what I was doing) but later, after the ex ass had abandoned my baby and I in a horrible apartment in a horrible neighborhood with no car, no money, nothing..but even later than that- I was living in my own apartment, going to school full time, working part time, with a 1 year old. I was alone. by myself. struggling on a daily basis. leaving work at 11:30 at night. and I was successful. I had a 4.0 GPA. But the thing is, I was 23 years old. younger than him. barely older than his friend..but had a child as well. no one gave a crap about me leaving work late at night by myself. or going and picking up my baby and taking us both home at midnight.

And no one gives a crap now about me doing things by myself…or being alone. coming home alone. none of that. how can he freak out at just the THOUGHT of her looking for an apartment..like he is gonna convince her that she can’t do it, its better to stay with people treating her like crap and constant drama and fighting. it really says so much to me. being afraid to take chances. its ridiculous. I don’t understand that at all. My whole life has been about taking chances. taking risks. just going for it. because otherwise, you sit in the same crap, day after day after day, with nothing changing, bemoaning your fate. I think thats why i have been so frustrated these past months. because there has been so much inaction. its not like me. its not in my nature. mine is one of moving forward..and that is what I want to be doing. He doesn’t see that. to him, I am rushing rushing. whereas I feel like its been painfully slow. I want to be there NOW. I thought I came up with the perfect solution. but now i don’t know. i am tempted to just do it anyways. to do what I want to do, which is to be there. I need his cooperation though. I am just not sure how to get that. I hope it becomes clear soon, because things must change. I cannot continue like this. I just CANNOT.

I need a life

I think I need a life. I have been in such a waiting mode, taking care of everyone else for so long, that I have lost myself. Maybe my problem is I have all my eggs in one basket. Maybe the answer really was to do something else. The problem is, everything I tried to do here got shot down. I have never in my life had a problem getting a job. granted, I am dealing with a very small subset of available jobs, as I physically am so limited in what I can do in my chosen profession. Everything in me says I am supposed to go to Mexico. All the signs point to that, everything shutting down here. Even someone who wants my house. It’s crazy. If I don’t do that, then what do I do? half of my money is gone now. I have one foot there and one foot here. I am just not sure what to do now. I don’t understand why he is freaking out now. he says he remembers talking about everything we talked about. I really thought we had a plan. I don’t understand where this is all coming from. At this point, I feel like something needs to happen outside of us both. Something to help make things clear. I don’t know what..I just hope it happens soon.