ok…. so I started calling it the zombie pig flu from the start, because people are acting like they expect zombie pigs to be roaming the street infecting everyone and creating more zombie pig human hybrid things. its just ridiculous the amount of fear and paranoia everywhere. it just keeps escalating and escalating. our schools have been closed for two weeks now, though the older kids they let go back yesterday. my son will start school on Monday in theory. I will go back to teaching then as well.

so we had a teachers meeting today, sort of a pre-return to school thing. all kinds of new regulations are coming down the pike, as flu cases are confirmed. apparently we got the results back in the city I live in, and there are 35 confirmed cases of swine flu. of course, this out of over 6 million people is not very much. but it is enough to cause quite a panic. So they are requiring all students and teachers to wear masks to school, bring tissues and antibacterial hand stuff. we have forms to fill out for each child each day to check for illness, and may or may not be allowed to run the AC. there is conflicting information about that. of course, i will die if we can’t run the AC, not to mention the kids are going to be absolutely out of control. upstairs in my school is very very hot, as well as in the trailers. there are no fans, and right now is 40 degrees C each day. with 75 percent humidity. thats about 104 degrees F. i can’t imagine wearing stupid masks that do NOTHING, stuck in a hot room like that, with no AC and no fans trying to teach a class. Not to mention my kids are not going to understand anything I am saying with a mask on my face. I teach English as a second language, and the kids need to see my face and read my lips to truly understand me.

also, all activities have been canceled, including all graduations and celebrations. I am not too unhappy about that though. will save me some serious money and time for sure. though I am not convinced they will not turn around and cancel school for the rest of the year. it will probably happen. I don’t mind not going back to work for the rest of the year, especially if I managed to get paid for it anyways. i detest the school and all the drama that goes on there. my son’s finals have been canceled, but i have to write exams for my kids, because we go longer in the year then him. I am keeping my fingers crossed things will be easy from this point out though. i am just going to coast along and see. and not be freaking out waiting for the zombie pigs to swarm the neighborhood.

How do you know when he is cheating? how can you tell? do you go by instinct? or suspicion? or are there clear signs? how do you believe the denials if you feel like the trust is gone, and things are being hidden? how can I possibly deal with the very real possibility that he is cheating on me? that chances are, he has someone else? that I am just being used for other things? how can I face that betrayal?

I want to believe him…I really really do. but its too much. its just too much. too many things, too many “coincidences” , too many secrets and lies. and every time I find something new that is suspicious, that demonstrates a lie, or hiding something, or is just not right…my stomach drops. I feel it, I want to scream and cry and kick and run. and I don’t know if I am being paranoid, just looking for trouble or what. I know what is at the core of my issue. and that is a very real problem. no matter what he says. but I don’t know how to get that sense of rightness back. the sense of security and hope and everything else that I once had back. and i am so afraid its gone forever. and I don’t know which is worse, truly. to suspect, or to know for certain. all I know is I am constitutionally incapable of NOT confronting when I find incriminating evidence. I can’t do it. I can’t ignore it or sit quietly or pretend I didn’t find it. so we sit here, right now….me on my computer, he on his, he is watching something with headphones on, knowing that something is wrong, and i am trying to get the courage up to ask the questions that need asked, wondering if I am really ready to live with the answers. wishing and hoping with all my heart that there is a reasonable explanation, but being pissed as hell that there even exists a need for a reasonable explanation. that, and if if it turns out to be who I suspect, then I will kill both of them. in a horrible painful embarrassing way.

went on a new adventure in my “back yard” of  la hausteca ecological park. took a bunch of cool pictures. uploaded them to my flickr page, you can see them there. I was very glad that I did that. I went out, took pictures, drove around for a while.  then went shopping, and went to the movies, all by myself. it felt really good to get out of the house. I needed that desperately. Things are not going as I would like them to, not by a long shot. I am struggling constantly to just get basic things done. I feel like I have zero support, and lots of extra work. I am so frustrated with it all, that I just want to run away. its horrible. I hate feeling so stuck. I really don’t know what I am going to do next. I must find a way to get some income coming in, or we will be totally screwed. I don’t regret coming here, not yet at least. I just wish I could get everyone else to understand the sense of urgency I feel. how important it is to stop wasting time. that we are gonna turn around and find ourselves with NOTHING if we don’t act soon. but I seem to be the only one who sees that, or at least who gives a crap, or is not paralyzed with fear over it. I don’t know. I guess as usual, I am stuck having to make some really difficult crappy decisions. and not liking my options too much. but at this point it has to be done.

but at least I got to enjoy some prettiness here for a while. take a look at my flickr page, I still find it amazing that all this natural beauty and wonder is right in the midst of a city of over 6 million people. thinchs is just 3 pics out of a whole bunc.h

What is it about the date changing that inspires all this thought and ¨resolutions¨? If we were not going to do it on Dec. 31st, what makes us think we will do it on Jan 1? or is it about cleaning house, metaphorically? do we just get so sick of all the mess that we decide it must go? that we must organize our lives? I want to do this, to organize my life and clean house so to speak. I am not sure if I have the willpower to do it though. I realize that things must change. MUST. it can’t continue like this. I need to talk with my Spanish instructor about having consistent lessons, or I will have to find a new teacher. I need to do it at least once a week if not twice a week, if I am going to have any hope of learning anything. I need to make a personal commitment to work on it daily. to take a couple of hours a day, even split during the day and work on it. I must find a way to sell all these things I bought. the S.O. designed a website, but it is not updated nor getting any advertising. We need to either list stuff on the ebay version here, or put out some advertising or something because this crap has been sitting in my house now for 2 months. we completely missed the Christmas season (pretty pissed about that) all because I can’t get things done. So, if he won’t do it for me, then I need to figure out how to do it myself.

I need to have the couch upstairs cleaned. super cleaned. and the whole house. I need to talk to the furniture people about the broken couch downstairs. we need to find a place for the business, or sell this stuff. its too much. it takes up space, it cost lots of money, and it is a total waste right now. I have like 10K of inventory I am sitting on, doing NOTHING. its enough. the business has been essentially closed down now for more than 6 months. something needs to be done with it, or it needs to just go. this sitting in limbo land is not ok anymore. I must pay the bills, lots of them. Rent, utilities, my son’s school. it all is due now.

I need to gain more independence here. which just translates into language skills. I have learned to drive around most of Monterrey, can find my way most places. I am doing more, going to more places on my own. but to call people on the phone, or have to ask questions, is very difficult for me. the language stuff overwhelms me. so I think the Espanol must become my number one priority. The truth of the matter, if I am honest, is I cannot count on the S.O. for really anything. he has this need to do the opposite of what I ask, what I want. I don’t know if it is a power thing, or he just thinks it is funny, or what. that he will do it eventually but forgets, I don’t know. but I can’t take it anymore. it is driving me over the edge. nothing gets done, NOTHING. and I can’t live like this anymore. it makes me ask too many questions of myself- why am I doing this? why am I living like this? is it too much to ask to have some give and take? to have a partner that actually helps me and meets my needs? or one that makes demands and is moody and won’t get anything actually done? we have zero romance, minimal true communication, and no help. so I end up asking myself, if I am gonna have to do it all myself anyways, why not make it easier on me? I have tried and tried and tried to talk to him about it, but he won’t talk. blows me off, deflects, ignores. what he doesn’t realize is I am quickly reaching the done point. I will try and try and try for a certain amount of time, but I get to a point where I am DONE. that I can’t take it anymore, that if I am not going to get even minimal cooperation, minimal love and affection, minimal ANYTHING that I will say screw it. who knows, maybe that is what he wants. maybe he wants out but doesn’t know how to say it, and this is just his way of letting me know. I have offered him that, told him he owes me nothing, that we can sell the business stuff and he can go to school and never deal with me again, or whatever he wants. that I will wish him well and he can go. he just laughs and tells me I am a drama queen and ignores me.

So, the new year. it is here, and I need to make decisions. I find myself saying the serenity prayer a lot these days, trying so hard to navigate my way through all the stress and mess. to try and decide if I can live with the consequences of my actions, if I have the courage to make these decisions. I wish I knew what the answers were, what the right thing was to do. all I know is I need some change, and I need it now.

well…all that personal angst and drama yesterday. wow. and all of my own creating. that is the funny thing about being on the gerbil wheel. you can know you are there, be fully aware that you are spinning yourself out of control, yet continue to run like a rodent. I left last night and went driving, having convinced myself of several bad things. had this whole visual scenario in my head that I couldn’t shake, that was not real at all. did impress myself at least that I managed to find my way without the GPS all over town. I had been expecting bad traffic but the roads were virtually empty last night. I eventually got in touch with the S.O. I beat him home only by moments. he was very very tired by then, but seemed a bit better.  I gave him a little small present at midnight and he seemed genuinely touched. I gave him a giant hershey’s kiss  and a new song. Wrote out the lyrics for him so he would have them, along with a little note, and sang it for him. it seemed to make him happy.  we ate a little bit and went to sleep early for us.

one of my dogs made a break for it this morning. took off on an adventure in the neighborhood. but I was able to retrieve her. the S.O. seemed actually concerned, which was good. he is very over her at the moment and her issues. she has massive fear aggression issues and has been out of control. (long story, dealing with it) woke up to my son on the couch, thought he had ended up there because he wet his bed again, didn’t make him get up and go to the bathroom but later realized I should have. when I got up later, he was back in his bed, having SOAKED the couch. which is now ruined.  I asked him about it, apparently he decided to get up and go to the couch last night because “I just COULDN’T sleep in my bed mom, I just couldn’t”. I have told him and told him and told him about sleeping on the couch, since the last one I had got ruined by him and his pee issues. I am so done with it. he is 14 years old and still pisses the bed every night. he has never achieved night time dryness in his whole life.  this summer it got better and he had more dry nights, even going a week or two without accidents. but since we have been here every night he wets. he might have had 1 dry night, after going to bed at 3am. I told him that was it, he was going to a doctor. his last doctor kept telling me he would grow out of it, but OMG i can’t deal with it anymore. the pee has gotten exponentially larger as he has grown. he is now bigger than me, and pees astronomical amounts. he also drinks I think entirely too much, so I am wondering if he is diabetic now. ugh.

so, as soon as possible, he is going to a doctor. something has to be done, I can’t live like this anymore, he can’t live like this anymore..all the freaking pee, always his room reeking, mattresses always ending up ruined. its ridiculous.

omg. I am SO on the gerbil wheel. it got a little better this afternoon when I talked to my best friend. but right now I am spinning the crap out of it. its bad. really really bad. this time of year is very hard for me. I had gotten better the past few years, with not being in this perpetual state of waiting for the shoe to drop for the entire month of December. but right now, its bad again. I think it is because of being in a new place, with so much change and so much stress going on. Right now, I am trying really hard not to obsess about certain things, which is made really hard by the fact that the S.O. is completely unreachable. he left 9 hours ago, to have some alone time, but was supposed to be back early, as he has not slept all night. and because the roads will get bad soon with drunk people everywhere and mass chaos. he promised me he would be reachable by phone. I tried texting him this afternoon, and have been trying to reach him for 6 hours now. with no luck. his family has been calling as well, I think for us to sell something. it doesn´t look like that will happen either, because I can´t get to the item, and he is not here and not reachable.

I told him i was stressed, that i was so nervous these days. didn´t help that a tire blew out while he was driving right after he left. luckily he was going slow so nothing bad happened. but it didn´t help my nerves. my son snuck up on me and startled the hell out of me 3 times last night..that is when i realized I am just super nervous right now. my PTSD is acting up in the worst way. I am so worried that something bad is gonna happen. that there will be an accident, or the rug will get pulled out from underneath me somehow. I start with the ¨what if´s¨and it goes downhill from there. I went to the store, one because i realized that we were completely out of dog food and we would be screwed tomorrow for christmas and would risk being eaten by the dogs, and two, so I could do something with myself. I came home, and left again to try and go to this other store for one other item I couldn´t find. by the time I got there the stores were closed. bawled my head off in the car. so stressed out, so worried, thinking of way too many things. checked the bank account when I got home, he made another atm withdrawal since I transferred money tonight, so presumably he is still alive out there.  I even broke down and texted then tried calling someone I really didn´t want to, looking for him but no luck. which just set me to spinning some more. I hate feeling so insecure. I hate being so worried. if certain things were more normal for us right now, I think I would feel better and more secure..but right now the combination of everything is pushing me over the edge.  so I am sitting here, blogging instead. giving myself some time before I leave again to go look for him, because i don´t know what else to do with myself and I can´t sit here doing nothing. I just CAN´T.

I really do. I know, it is not in keeping with the christmas spirit and all. the problem is, I am a nervous wreck. Almost every bad thing that has ever happened to me, has happened this time of year. right at christmas. death, divorce, losing family and friends. so I realized, that I am in high alert overdrive. my son managed to sneak up on me and make me jump out of my skin 3 times last night. I am over sensitive. I am interpreting all signals everywhere as the end of the universe as I know it. it so needs to stop. It was really bad today, because the S.O. decided he was going out, but didn´t know where. just going cause he needs time alone. he has been way snappy the past days, which doesn´t help me and my mood at ALL. at first it way freaked me out. then he got down to the bottom of the hill and blew a tire out. went to help him with that, and left feeling a little better. he is way stressed right now, mostly family stuff. The joys of family stress. god knows I am over it too. his family is very kind to me, but they really sort of take over. i think in part it is a cultural thing. but I know that if he doesn´t get some breathing room really soon, he is going to have a melt down. which might not be totally bad, as he really needs to get the stress out. I want him to get to the bottom of whatever is bothering him, and get over it, so we can resume are regularly scheduled programming so to speak.

we will see what happens. in the meantime, I am kinda stuck in the house waiting. trying to keep myself occupied. really should clean and don´t feel like it. gonna take a shower and at least make MYSELF clean lol. hopefully he will be home soon, feeling better about lots of things. at least he opened up a little more to me today, which was a vast improvement from the snarly cranky surly crap going on lately.

finally loaded some pictures from my camera to my computer. wanted to go and take more pictures today but the weather was too crappy for it. its is drizzling and really cold here. but I have a couple more that I like. click on the thumbnails to enlarge and see them better. one of them is of another mountain you can see from my house, one I particularly like. it inspires all kinds of imaginings. that it is an old volcano, or some giant broke a part of it off, or something really big crashed into it LOL. the other picture is the view of the valley below me at sunrise. I will be unhappy when they finish building across the street and I don’t have quite so spectacular of a view, or have to go a little further for it then my driveway LOL.

so I have been watching my dog like crazy. researching on the internet. contacted a dog trainer here by email though I have not heard anything. and I discovered good information. At first I thought she was demonstrating different kinds of aggression…and she does a little with dogs, but her aggression is fear aggression. and the reason it has gotten so bad is the combination of moving here, and the S.O.

she was doing better, very submissive, very quiet. but he insisted on playing with her in a rough aggressive manner. he thinks it is funny to challenge her and make her do “cujo” face. I watched as she was rolled over, completely submissive, showing her belly, trying to not stare directly in his eyes, and he was forcing her to look at his face, getting closer and closer, then grabs her face and makes noise, thinking he is being funny and cute. I tell him to stop, beg him to stop but he won’t, and of course she bites him. I tell him she is afraid she will get hit. he gets bit, and then gets mad and says “maybe I will” and reacts very badly to her. he used to play nicely with her. just with the toy. now he does this other crap, and it is making my dog insane. and I can’t seem to get him to understand this. of course, he got really mad at me and refused to talk to me the rest of the evening.

so maybe the trainer can work with me and her, and we can get the fear aggression back under control. or maybe I just need to get rid of the massive cause of fear.

i have to make a very very very difficult decision about one of my dogs. I have 2 dogs. both are about the same age, 11- though one shows it a lot more than the other. I have an elderly Shar Pei that I adore, who has become blind and senile but is generally harmless. Then I have this little Jack Russell Chi mix, that I rescued from the pound a few years ago. she is insane. She has many issues. she is smart as hell, and can be so sweet, but she is a wacknut. She is much better in many ways from when I brought her home. but she is also having a hard time here. She was obviously abused. severely. and while I have been able to rehabilitate her in many ways, she still has issues. She can be so aggressive. And so unpredictable. she has had a hard time in some ways adjusting to being here, because of so many people. We used to live in the country, with cows, and hardly anyone EVER came to our house. now, we live in the city, and people come to our house all the time. and I don’t think she is coping so well. she has started with more biting. she snaps at people, and now she actually bites them.

Last night, people were over to the house. the S.O.’s sister had been here a few days with her dogs as well. mine actually were doing really well with it, no fights, adjusting. but one of his sister’s dogs really adores me. he comes and lays with me and sleeps with me. I thought she was adjusting fairly well. then last night as we all are sitting in my room, watching a movie, dogs are sleeping, she wakes up and decides to pee on my bed. I put her off the bed to start to clean it, and she pees everywhere else. a river of pee. of course, the river is because of all the water she drank earlier after playing. I manage to get her outside, but then she is skulking and hiding cause she knows she is in trouble. she won’t go to her box. when I reach for her to take her to her box, she bites me..hard. clear through my finger and draws lots of blood. hurts like hell. I get her in her box and leave her there. and now I am torn. she has bitten multiple people now, including me. I could forgive the peeing (she has done it before under great stress, or when she first came home. its regressive territorial behavior that both of my dogs have done) but the biting thing scares me. she has bit me, my son, my S.O., his brother’s GF..its really starting to add up.

so now i have to make difficult decisions. I don’t want to continue with an unpredictable scary dog…but the thought of putting her down makes me cry and cry and cry. its not her fault she was so abused..its not her fault I drug her to another country and stressed her out with lots of people..its not her fault that she has been snappy and aggressive before and I have maybe not dealt with it right. but omg…if I put her down, my son is going to lose it. I am going to lose it too. I think I am going to start with taking her to the vet and getting some advice..see if they have any resources. to at least feel like i have done everything I can before ending her life. this just sucks so much. I am stuck between living like a hermit and never having anyone to my house ever…or putting my dog down. and more people are supposed to be here for the holidays too. and then another part of me wonders if I am being selfish or what. she didn’t ask for any of this, I just thrust it all on her. and then there is the neurotic paranoid part of me that figures in the end I am gonna end up alone anyways, all the people will leave and my dog is the only one that has always been faithful to me. that she sits with me and loves me and doesn’t judge me or make fun of me. I question myself,  if I am just considering this really for other people. if I am doing this for the S.O., who is probably gonna end up disappearing anyways.

So, I go around and around and around on the gerbil wheel, not able to make a decision, not sure what to do, questioning my motives, sad as hell, and just wishing with all my soul that I didn’t have to make a decision. I talked with a friend, who did at least offer some good advice- to sit with a decision for one day. to decide, but not act on it. to see if I can live with the consequences of it. so I am going to try and do that today, as well as see if I can find a vet to take her to and get some advice. I just hope the answer comes to me soon, and I figure it out, because this just really totally sucks.