felt completely useless? or like, you are only good to people for what you can do for them? I am having a very hard time these days, feeling completely stuck. I had an incident happen this week that made things extra profound for me I guess you could call it. I rarely ask my S.O. for anything. He is super busy with so much stuff. he is working very hard on our business, trying to make it work. Being long distances SUCKS hard, and even more so now. Things have been compounded because his cell phone is broken and has been for quite a while, internet went down in his house, was spotty at work, and the phone is off and on at work as well. So basically, trying to get in touch with him is next to impossible sometimes. Additionally, the rare occasions I can actually get through to him, often there is a particular person who interferes with that and prevents me from speaking with him.

So basically to make a long story short, once again, this particular person interfered with me reaching him, and he got yelled at by his family for allowing that to occur. His response was to get pissed at me for talking to his family (i only left a message with them for him to contact me ASAP and explained I couldn’t get through to him when they asked because of this person). He decided I didn’t have a reason to ever talk to his family again or call his house. He didn’t get mad at her for starting the problem to begin with (was not the first time she caused issues) but pissed at me.

It hit me later, the complete injustice of it all, and how much it crushed me. I ask for NOTHING from him. nothing. I act the cheerleader role and tell him how much I love him and support him and try and show him in every way possible how much I care. This friend of his causes drama and problems and fights and yells and demands CONSTANTLY. The one time i need him, I ask for help, not only is it denied, but then I am punished for asking and told never to ask again. I went to the store, (ended up hurting myself carrying heavy things from costco) and on the way home it just all hit me like a ton of bricks. It left me sobbing so hard I couldn’t breath. This crushing alone feeling, that I am just not ok. That something about me makes me not ok. What is it? what makes it so people treat me like crap and I always end up alone, having to try and figure everything out by myself? Why am I expected to do everything for everyone else all the time, but never can I have help for myself? And it left me asking, is it better to just be alone? like, is it worse, the illusion of help? thinking that you are actually in a relationship that is equal and that you can have help if you need it. Would it be better to just be alone in its entirety and to stop hoping it would change someday?

I know in my heart of hearts he didn’t mean it that way. I know that he never means it that way. That he has a knee jerk reaction to whomever is screaming the loudest, and since that is never me, then I get put on the bottom of the list, or it gets taken out on me. But I also realized that where I used to have faith, that he would come if I needed him, that no matter what happened he would be there for me- that I don’t have that faith anymore. its been too much, too many times. Too much of choosing others first, that now I don’t believe anymore. How do you restore that faith? I hang onto the past I think, too much. I hold onto things he has said and done in the past as evidence of our relationship. But its getting to be really really hard. As the time goes on, the distance continues, and it becomes more frequent and easier for him to blow me off, my faith wanes. I think sometimes it wouldn’t be so hard, if things hadn’t been so good before. But then i wonder if I am simply remembering things differently or what. And that leaves me profoundly sad and doubting so much.