as i sit here writing this, it is almost 6am. will be by the time I am done. 6am Sat. morning. So much has happened in a week. this time last week I was trying to sleep, hurting beyond belief, having fallen down and gone boom worse than I have in years. I was also waiting. waiting to see if he would get online. it didn’t happen then. I suspect it is not going to happen now. My son has hurt himself badly too. we are the house of crutches now. except i end up not using mine even though i am supposed to, because i have to take care of everything else and can’t do that on crutches. it is insane. I am realizing just how insane.

the definition of insanity, is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. that is where I am now. doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. I keep waiting, hoping, praying..but it doesn’t change. I need to find a way to stop. to let go. to stop expecting. to stop wanting. to stop hoping. to accept that this is just how it is, and decide if its enough for me. I do wish i knew why i end up like this. in these situations. why i end up at the mercy of those around me. I am such a tangled mess of emotions right now. hurt, angry, upset, betrayed, in pain, frustrated, worried, scared, sad. all of it all at once. i want to scream. I want to cry. i want to throw something. i want to sleep and not wake up. i want to be held. i want to be loved. i want to be made nice on and told everything will be ok. I want kisses. i want to be able to trust again. i want to believe in the dream again. i don’t want to be dying inside anymore. that is what is happening right now. I am dying inside. a little more every day. every moment that I am struggling, every failure, its a little death. I think the part that scares me so much. is that it might not end. that it is going to be like this forever. alone, hurting, waiting. i don’t think i can do it. I don’t think I can take that. something has to change. something has to give. i need a break. i need something. i have lost my connection with the universe. knowing my place and purpose. its so gone now and i don’t know how to get it back. and i am so afraid now that i have completely screwed up and wasted everything.