well, it appears I have been abandoned. don’t know what is happening. haven’t talked with him in 2 days. no more tickets available for sunday. a couple for monday but more expensive. he hung up the phone on me this morning then refused to answer it the rest of the day. not online, don’t know if he has his passport or not. I hate this. i hate this so much. i hate having to rely on anyone. its pointless. I am sitting here in a mess of a house, surrounded by presents for other people, hurting, trying to take care of everything, and completely at a loss as to what to do next. I have been blown off for days. it looks like he took the money to get the passport, i just don’t know if he actually got it or not.

i am beginning to become convinced I am cursed. my computer and ac died as well thurs. night. i had to go get a new computer. i wanted to get a new one anyways because my old one was not working well anymore. but i had hoped to wait a little bit. i also was hoping he would come and fix the old one so i can get my files from it. but i don’t know if that will happen either. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself. its not that. i am just questioning why at this point? why all these things crashing down around me. why when I try and be a good person and care for others and support them, but I can’t get help myself? I just don’t get it. is it too much to ask for? even to just be checked on to make sure i made it home ok? that I have survived a little bit intact? I feel like he is trying to make me tell him to forget it. to frustrate me so much that i just say screw it don’t come, i don’t need anyone anyways i will just do it myself. maybe that what i need to do. maybe thats what this is all about. that i need to just face the truth that i can’t get help, that i won’t get help, that it is not gonna happen and I will always be alone struggling, so i might as well just suck it up and get used to it.