A little better

well, things are slightly better. It never ceases to amaze me, how just a little bit of contact can change so much for me. I feel much better since talking with him. I think my problem has been that i just wanted to be understood. For someone, somewhere to understand how hard things are for me right now, to love on me and tell me that things will be ok. but to just understand how frustrating, scary, disappointing, emotional, painful and overall hellish this past week has been. I don’t like to be so emotional. I don’t like feeling so out of control. i hate feeling so alone, and like, being so upset about being so alone. It has been so hard, to try and figure out what to do next. how I was gonna handle things, take care of things. how do I take care of my son, when i can’t take care of myself? Do I sacrifice myself as usual for everyone else around me?

and i think, most of all, I just wanted to be number one for a change. I wanted to feel like it not only was ok that i was hurt and needing help, but that someone would help me. that he would follow through and i wouldn’t just get screwed in the end.

at this point, I think the ultimate learning lesson for me, is that i need to relax, and trust that he will do the right thing. that i don’t have to force the issue, that i don’t have to fight so hard for it. that he will do the right thing, and will choose me and keep his promises. I think its just that fear of what if? what if he doesn’t? what if I get rejected and hurt and told I am not important? because, like, I could even deal with that, except then I have to figure out what to do with that happening. Like, the anticipation and just wanting it done and over with so I can do what I have to do. Living with the knowledge that I would have to do something about it.

in the end, i think it comes down to my control freak ways, wanting to figure it all out ahead of time, plan for everything. I have to just accept that it will work out how it is supposed to, to trust that he will do the right thing without me freaking out. and to trust that if he doesn’t, I can deal with it, WHEN it happens. not anticipating it and freaking out before it even happens. yes, i wish he was here already. but he isn’t, and it must be for a bigger reason. things will work out how they are supposed to. i am struggling because i want it all sorted out nice and neat into the little boxes that I desire. that i want it ALL planned and figured out.

I am frustrated because i am not happy where I am right now. but i have to trust that it will be ok. I know in my heart of hearts that he loves me. this time together will reinforce that. things will be good again. its been way too long since we have seen each other, been with each other. its been way too long since we had time together. and even though i am struggling right now horribly and want him to be here already helping me, maybe the more important thing is for me to be a little better, so that the focus is not on my health and broken body parts. but instead is on us and our relationship and our future. because that is what i want this visit to be about. is what i wanted it to be about the whole time. us, our relationship, where we are going, reconnecting. talking about the business, planning things. I want all that. so we shall see what happens.

last night worked, because i tried something new. i did the positive thinking thing, where you visualize it happening and exist in a state where you are certain it will. i did that, with him getting online. i suspended disbelieve and negative thinking and stayed in the state of mind that he would get online. it worked. and we talked and things were much better. i need to do more of that. i just lost sight of that this past week because things have been so hellish. I am hoping I can maintain it better this time, and stay in that space.