His mother is so kind to me. truly truly kind. She tells me how much she loves me, how she wants me to be happy. she tells me that I am the daughter in law of her dreams. I am an angel. a princess. I feel like such a fraud. I had tried to explain to her about me, about Jacob, the first time i went to Mexico. I thought she understood, only to find out the day I was leaving that she didn’t understand at all. She asked him about it, and he dodged it as usual. At this point, I don’t know what she knows. I sometimes think she has a clue, because i have mentioned Jacob before. But then I don’t really know. What if she ends up hating me? what if she ends up feeling lied to and deceived? I feel very frustrated with the whole thing, because i have absolutely no control over it at all. In the end it it really up to him. he must talk to his family and explain things, that i never lied to anyone ever. that I told him from the first moment. that i tried to tell them.

the other part that frustrates me, is his nervousness about it. it makes me feel bad. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me, or that he is ashamed of who I am. that he wishes I was different, or regrets that I am 35 with a child. He says he is not, but I can’t seem to make him understand that his secretive nature with it implies shame. It is also hard for me, because my life is an open book. I never tell him about the crap i got from people about this relationship. He worries because I am an old divorcee with a teenage son, but what about me? I am dating a mexican 11 years younger than me. In this country, that comes with stereotypes and issues. There are people in my life who have thought the worse, or implied that he would leave me eventually, or that i was just being used. that he just wanted a greencard, or money. it insults the hell out of me, because it says that I am only worth my citizenship or money. that I am not good enough just as me, Sarah. but that is what i have to deal with. and I keep it from him. because i believe in him, in us. I know that he loves me for me. that it doesn’t matter, any of that other stuff. that we are soulmates, drawn to each other across time and space, meant for each other. I know that in my very soul.

but it goes back to a common theme- pressure. where like, no one understands the pressure I am under. no one takes into consideration what I have to deal with. it frustrates me and saddens me. I am supposed to be understanding and considerate and think about the pressure of all those around me. the problems of everyone else, but no one seems to think of mine. I am so done here. I am so ready to be in Mexico. i just want to be there, living our life together. taking care of each other, planning our future. I just don’t want to be here anymore. I am hoping he will understand as well that it is time. neither of us can take this pressure anymore. i am hopeful that his week here will be one of understanding and communing and reconnecting. that he will remember how much we need each other. its been too long. I just want to be in his arms, being loved. I want to suck up every single moment, not waste a minute, a single second. this is my pledge to myself for this trip. I am not going to allow distractions or crap interfere with our time together. we are going to embrace every single moment, every single second. I want to make love 5 times a day. I want to laugh and love and play. we both need that. desperately. and I am determined to make it happen.