So…I had plenty of time for deep thoughts these past few days as we sat without power. I am worried, that something has happened that I was afraid would happen. The S.O. went back, and we have barely talked. He seems to have already shifted back into a funk. I don’t get it. He should be happy, that everything we have wanted and hoped of is coming to be. Instead, he seemed ticked that I talked with him mom and explained about Jacob. He is acting like we never talked about me coming this summer at all. I don’t know if its because he is a little sick and not feeling well..if he is just tired and stressed already..if he is just too busy…or a combination of everything. I know that I am really tired of feeling taken for granted all the time. I am beginning to wonder if he feels like I have just taken over everything. And that he is withholding love and affection because of that. Like, its the last thing he can say no about. I feel like the more I give, the more I do, the unhappier he is. and I just don’t get it. It makes me feel pushed away, and like he is pushing me to just say screw it and end it all. He tells me he loves me, that he wants to be a family..but then acts like this.

So, I am left to make decisions. Everything tells me I am supposed to be there. That we are supposed to be together. My best friend has said so for a long time- I joke that she is my oracle…because she is always right. Even when he has made her mad and she wished she could just tell me to forget it, she hasn’t. In part because its my decision, but also because she has seen us being a family always. I just get tired though. so tired of being the cheerleader. so tired of always being the patient one. so tired of being taken for granted. And I am so frustrated right now. I thought we made so much progress. that even though it wasn’t perfect, that there were still some unresolved issues..that we had a plan. that we knew what we wanted and were totally on the same page with it. Now i feel like he went back home, and its like total memory loss. In no time at all he forgets everything. how happy we are together, how nice that is..how much we love each other and need each other. The plans we discussed. my god, we looked at houses online! what the hell was that for?? He called about one of them for gods sake! he told me he was going home and gonna look for a place and bring us there! so now, when I say i found a real estate agent who can help us with it, its like “huh? but why? what for?” >_<

And now, we were talking and looking at things for the business, and he acts like I am not even coming in June, even though we talked about it. like its too much for me to bring the stuff with me, and then takes off without saying ANYTHING. I can’t take it anymore. and there is no one for me to talk to about it. about how I feel and how frustrated I am. My best friend is done with all of it. I can’t really talk to her about it, because she is over it. My other friend has always been a freak about this relationship (would be about any, but thats a whole different story) so I can’t say anything to her. He is being weird and not talking to me, so I can’t talk to him about it. and it all just leaves me unbelievably sad and frustrated. so I end up writing things here, just to at least have a place to get it out. I am so afraid that I have just been a fool. and what’s worse, that I have drug my child into it as well. That my heart is going to be broken, and my kid’s too. that is what leaves me so conflicted. that one part of me is sure it will all be ok, we will be a family and have everything we have talked about..but the other part of me is desperately scared that I have wasted so much time, energy, money, everything. That it was all crap and I am an idiot for believing the dream.

At this point..I am just exhausted. I just want the other damn shoe to drop if it’s going to. I just want the truth. I want things to be settled. I also want to be wooed again. If he really wants me, if he really loves me, if he really believes in us and our dreams..then I want to be chased again. I want to be wooed. I want to feel desired and wanted and loved and all those happy things. I want to be his beautiful princess again, and he my knight. I want to drive him crazy with desire. Instead of feeling like an old fat burden who just gets in the way. T___T