well, this is apparently the absolutely only place I am free to discuss things anymore. that I can talk about how I feel. Can’t talk to anyone anymore. just end up hurting someone’s feelings, or offending them, or pissing them off or annoying them. No one gets it. no one. my whole identity was being a nurse. now i can’t be a nurse anymore. I haven’t worked for 2 years. now that I think about it, tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of my last surgery, that changed my life forever. It took away so much from me. it put me in constant pain and disability, it took away my ability to make money. it took away who I thought I was.

and yet, it gave me so much. it lead me to a new life in many ways. but that is the problem I think. why I am so upset and frustrated. because that new life is on hold. always on hold. waiting waiting waiting and more freaking WAITING. so I am stuck between two worlds. my old life and my new. in limbo land. can’t return to my old life, no matter what I try. I thought for a while that i was blacklisted..but now it is becoming more clear to me. its because that is my old life. and I am not supposed to be in my old life. any paths I try and take to my old life get cut short. So now, how do I forge ahead? how do I find my path to my new life? how do I navigate it, and figure out where I am supposed to be? no one seems to understand my need for forward motion. that I cannot sit idle doing nothing always. it has been years now of this and I cannot take it anymore. I just CAN’T. and I don’t think this is a bad thing. to be a person who wants to be making a difference, affecting change. to not feel so invisible and unnecessary. my house is a wreck. I try to clean but pain makes me stop. my best friend got very offended with me, because she felt like i was dismissing being a stay at home mom. thats not it at all. she took care of two children and a husband and a house and a myriad of other things, immaculate house, laundry done all the time. total opposite of me. plus being involved with all kinds of other things. her solution is more hobbies for me, or clean out my closet. she doesn’t get it, and the only thing I accomplished by trying to talk about it was to piss her off and get my feelings hurt. to increase my feelings of being all alone.

I don’t want to feel sorry for myself. that is not it. I am tired of that. so many other things going on in the world that are real problems. i just don’t want to feel helpless anymore. its a feeling I cannot abide.