well…it was bound to happen. as soon as I actually verbalized it was really happening, that the rug would be pulled out from underneath me. no, he was not prepared for me to move there. we started to discuss it, and as usual he disappeared. then this morning I had a small epiphany. it shouldn’t be this hard. Here I have been defending things and trying to make it right with one of my best friends, and maybe she is the one actually right all along. I remembered before she moved to Israel, and there had been constant fights with her boyfriend. who would go back and forth and back and forth on if he wanted her there and if they were gonna get married blah blah blah. of course there are differences because he was explosively angry and abusive but still. she forced her way through and went and had hell for a couple of years before the relationship finally ended. she stayed in Israel because she had always wanted to go there anyways.

So last night, when I get him to tell me what role he sees me in for the business, he tells me he only sees me as an investor and thats it. which was a huge blow to my dreams. we didn’t get to finish discussing it, so i don’t know if it means the same thing as before in that he only sees me handling the money and paying the bills, or only sees my cash value in everything. I cried and was upset and thought about things and finally slept. and I thought about things this morning and slept again. and then i had this little epiphany that things shouldn’t be this hard. He should be happy to have me around, flattered and excited that I want to be there. He should love me and want to be with me, if everything he has said is true. He should be thrilled that I am willing to do all this..not fight with me and refuse to talk to me about it. Maybe I am trying to force a dream to happen that just isn’t meant to be. And do I really want to throw good money away after bad?

I am stuck right now, having thrown everything into this business and relationship, believing it was meant to be and my future was there, as I have nothing here. but now I am in a hole that I am unsure how to dig myself out of. The problems here are still the same- massive bills, no income, horrible family problems, bad schools and no support. I don’t know what to do. I am angry as hell because if he would have just told me this crap months and months ago when I kept asking, then I would have saved myself lots of time and money. I could have been focusing on moving somewhere else this summer. Now I am down to the wire and have no clue what I am going to do. I don’t want to stay here. I have no prospects..but where to go? Do I end the relationship, end the business, sell what I can to get what I can back and find somewhere to go? do I continue on in limbo land, throwing money into the business to see if it works? to I end the relationship all together, and if so how do I face that? I still love him. there is a part of me that still believes in the destiny of it all, because why the hell were we brought together like this? for me to just go broke? i can’t believe that.

and the worst part of it all is my child. Who also has believed in the dream and wants to go to Mexico. he loves him too, and wants to be a family. this is why I never had relationships, never really dated. because i didn’t want my child becoming attached to someone only to have him get hurt in the end too. our dreams are being crushed, and it makes me so sad and so angry.  I am ready to sink into depression and just cry and cry and cry and cry..except I can’t afford to do that. I have to find a way out to make some stability for my child. it just totally sucks ass though. and I don’t understand why this all has to be so damn hard.