One of my very good friends talks about having “family of choice” and “family of origin”. Basically the idea is, you have the family you were born with (adopted into, spent childhood with etc). these are the people you basically had no say in when the big roulette wheel of life spun them into this “family” category. Then as an adult, you sometimes have the option of adopting people as family. So for example, we “adopted” each other as sisters. The same is for my other best friend, who I think of as a sister, and her children as my niece and nephew. I am not talking of like, blood sisters or blood brothers, or a formal adoption or anything like that..I am talking of meeting people that you become so close to, have so much in common with and feel so comfortable that they become your “family”.

This whole concept is something that has become very important to me. Things have been “done” on my end with my family for a while..but it reached critical mass here last week. my family created much drama, making much noise. I had been ignoring them and ignoring them for a while. then my mother decided to threaten me, and I basically just snapped. reiterated my original “done” email to them, and added some new things. and got her to back off. which made me super happy. though of course got called all kinds of names under the sun blah blah blah, but at least she backed off. then of course got a nasty guilty trip email from my grandmother, who as my friend says, is one of the original pod people. and it dawned on me, what the hell have I been worried about? these people are PSYCHO. they have done nothing but cause me problems my whole life, been horrible to me. they are the poster children for dysfunctional selfish self obsessed wacknuts. they don’t know HOW to love anyone but themselves. they live in a totally delusional world that they create for themselves, and they will never change. and though some of the things my grandmother said sort of hurt..it also had a sense of freedom from it. all of the drama really had been about money. it never was about seeing me, or even having a relationship with my son. it was about wanting money and feeling like they were owed something.

and the thing is, I don’t owe them ANYTHING. and I don’t have to torment myself with any of that. I can move forward with my life, with my family of choice, and be comfortable with that. the knowledge that there are people in this world who love me and accept me and CHOOSE me for me. flaws and all. I will be so relieved when I am finally gone from here, and don’t have to worry about running into them anymore. but just the inner freedom that has come from realizing that not only do I not owe these people anything, but like, they really don’t have any hold on me anymore. i am actually free, and can choose to be free on a daily basis. they are who they are, and they are never going to change. I had accepted that a long time ago, but I guess I was willing to put up with a certain amount of toxicity for the sake of “family”. I am not willing to do that anymore. and the truth is, as my son becomes a teenager, their toxic horrible behavior manifests itself again. all the ways they were with me, all the dysfunction and pain, they want to react that same way with him. and I won’t allow that to happen. not under any circumstances. and it seems, at last I finally got that point through to them, enough that they are leaving me alone for now. that is all I can ask for at the moment, and I am grateful for it.