was thinking on this last night. people talk about it all the time. but how do you actually accomplish this? is it even possible? like, to go your entire life without regrets…I don’t think you can do this, unless you are a sociopath. Because I care about people, places and things, I end up with regrets- usually about my own behavior or actions. rarely about something someone else has done. Sometimes I end up feeling this regret intensely. kicking myself. I know its pointless in many ways- can’t change the past. and yes, I have seen “The Butterfly Effect”- I get that we never know what action leads to another. but what I struggle with sometimes, is how to let go. how to not get caught up with the regret, wondering if I made a mistake, worrying that i am still making mistakes- wondering what the next right decision is.

I remember when i had a sound spiritual base. it was not a religious one- it was a spiritual connection that I felt with the world and universe around me, and I took comfort from that. it helped me to feel good about my choices and to not stress. to believe without doubt that everything happens for a reason. somewhere along the way I lost that, and i don’t know how to get it back. I have brief flashes of it. but i can’t live in that moment anymore. I am 36 years old..and for all of my vast and varied life experiences..I don’t know crap. I realized that i truly have no clue how to be in a relationship. what is normal and what is not. my response to my past was to simply remove myself from the equation. Now I am suffering the consequences of that, as I am emotionally about 15 years old. I have no clue how to compromise, its all or nothing. either I am totally passive or totally dominate. i have no idea when enough is enough.

and i end up letting regret play too much of a role. I worry about making the wrong choices, of living with future regrets. I think about the past and worry I am making the same mistakes. somewhere along the line i lost my ability to discern things… I never was super good at it for myself…but I had developed some ability to learn from my past mistakes, not repeat the same things, and be ok with whatever happened. but I lost it. I have also discovered the ties that bind with love. I lived more than 10 years without loving people other than those I called family. no romantic entanglements for me. then I fell hard. though I swore I would never do that again. and now its time to live with the consequences of that, both good and bad. and somehow, someway, i need to figure out how to let go of the past, good and bad, and accept things again as they are, here and now. and decide if its enough or not. and I just don’t know how to do that, because that damn fear of regret keeps coming up.