What is it about the date changing that inspires all this thought and ¨resolutions¨? If we were not going to do it on Dec. 31st, what makes us think we will do it on Jan 1? or is it about cleaning house, metaphorically? do we just get so sick of all the mess that we decide it must go? that we must organize our lives? I want to do this, to organize my life and clean house so to speak. I am not sure if I have the willpower to do it though. I realize that things must change. MUST. it can’t continue like this. I need to talk with my Spanish instructor about having consistent lessons, or I will have to find a new teacher. I need to do it at least once a week if not twice a week, if I am going to have any hope of learning anything. I need to make a personal commitment to work on it daily. to take a couple of hours a day, even split during the day and work on it. I must find a way to sell all these things I bought. the S.O. designed a website, but it is not updated nor getting any advertising. We need to either list stuff on the ebay version here, or put out some advertising or something because this crap has been sitting in my house now for 2 months. we completely missed the Christmas season (pretty pissed about that) all because I can’t get things done. So, if he won’t do it for me, then I need to figure out how to do it myself.

I need to have the couch upstairs cleaned. super cleaned. and the whole house. I need to talk to the furniture people about the broken couch downstairs. we need to find a place for the business, or sell this stuff. its too much. it takes up space, it cost lots of money, and it is a total waste right now. I have like 10K of inventory I am sitting on, doing NOTHING. its enough. the business has been essentially closed down now for more than 6 months. something needs to be done with it, or it needs to just go. this sitting in limbo land is not ok anymore. I must pay the bills, lots of them. Rent, utilities, my son’s school. it all is due now.

I need to gain more independence here. which just translates into language skills. I have learned to drive around most of Monterrey, can find my way most places. I am doing more, going to more places on my own. but to call people on the phone, or have to ask questions, is very difficult for me. the language stuff overwhelms me. so I think the Espanol must become my number one priority. The truth of the matter, if I am honest, is I cannot count on the S.O. for really anything. he has this need to do the opposite of what I ask, what I want. I don’t know if it is a power thing, or he just thinks it is funny, or what. that he will do it eventually but forgets, I don’t know. but I can’t take it anymore. it is driving me over the edge. nothing gets done, NOTHING. and I can’t live like this anymore. it makes me ask too many questions of myself- why am I doing this? why am I living like this? is it too much to ask to have some give and take? to have a partner that actually helps me and meets my needs? or one that makes demands and is moody and won’t get anything actually done? we have zero romance, minimal true communication, and no help. so I end up asking myself, if I am gonna have to do it all myself anyways, why not make it easier on me? I have tried and tried and tried to talk to him about it, but he won’t talk. blows me off, deflects, ignores. what he doesn’t realize is I am quickly reaching the done point. I will try and try and try for a certain amount of time, but I get to a point where I am DONE. that I can’t take it anymore, that if I am not going to get even minimal cooperation, minimal love and affection, minimal ANYTHING that I will say screw it. who knows, maybe that is what he wants. maybe he wants out but doesn’t know how to say it, and this is just his way of letting me know. I have offered him that, told him he owes me nothing, that we can sell the business stuff and he can go to school and never deal with me again, or whatever he wants. that I will wish him well and he can go. he just laughs and tells me I am a drama queen and ignores me.

So, the new year. it is here, and I need to make decisions. I find myself saying the serenity prayer a lot these days, trying so hard to navigate my way through all the stress and mess. to try and decide if I can live with the consequences of my actions, if I have the courage to make these decisions. I wish I knew what the answers were, what the right thing was to do. all I know is I need some change, and I need it now.