How do you know when he is cheating? how can you tell? do you go by instinct? or suspicion? or are there clear signs? how do you believe the denials if you feel like the trust is gone, and things are being hidden? how can I possibly deal with the very real possibility that he is cheating on me? that chances are, he has someone else? that I am just being used for other things? how can I face that betrayal?

I want to believe him…I really really do. but its too much. its just too much. too many things, too many “coincidences” , too many secrets and lies. and every time I find something new that is suspicious, that demonstrates a lie, or hiding something, or is just not right…my stomach drops. I feel it, I want to scream and cry and kick and run. and I don’t know if I am being paranoid, just looking for trouble or what. I know what is at the core of my issue. and that is a very real problem. no matter what he says. but I don’t know how to get that sense of rightness back. the sense of security and hope and everything else that I once had back. and i am so afraid its gone forever. and I don’t know which is worse, truly. to suspect, or to know for certain. all I know is I am constitutionally incapable of NOT confronting when I find incriminating evidence. I can’t do it. I can’t ignore it or sit quietly or pretend I didn’t find it. so we sit here, right now….me on my computer, he on his, he is watching something with headphones on, knowing that something is wrong, and i am trying to get the courage up to ask the questions that need asked, wondering if I am really ready to live with the answers. wishing and hoping with all my heart that there is a reasonable explanation, but being pissed as hell that there even exists a need for a reasonable explanation. that, and if if it turns out to be who I suspect, then I will kill both of them. in a horrible painful embarrassing way.